Well, that all folks. As referenced in my December 3rd entry, my "dogs" have died. So now Monday night Quarterbacking and looking in retrospect, I am beginning to wonder if I am unstable or rather stable but at the extreme of my stable/unstable boundary.
Instability in systems is generally characterized by some of the outputs or internal states growing without bounds. Not all systems that are not stable are unstable; systems can also be marginally stable or exhibit limit cycle behavior. In control theory, a system is unstable if any of the roots of its characteristic equation has real part greater than zero.
Which now bring s me to my next thought “what the hell IS control? Control is an illusion - control is said to be the "mastery" or "proficiency" in a given area. With that expressed, how can be in control of one's life? Especially since to emphasis the act of control you have to have been practicing the process of control to begin with!
I seems that I have spent the last twelve months making mistake after mistake. But the truth of the matter is these past occurrences have been the greater part of what I am to be. Each occurrence is character building, skill sharpening, and mentally sculpting in furtherance of chiseling a perfect manifestation of my highest potential.
I have stated before, I recognize that I am in the middle of an evolution, and I know that evolutions are crazy messy. Screws, plates, bars and beams are everywhere - my construction site is a mess, and I just spilled coffee all over my building plans - HELP!!!
I hope that I get this stuff figured out soon I didn't/don't plan on spending my twenties making a mess and my thirties/forties cleaning up. I kick myself in the ass for where I am right now. I have hurt my own pride, my confidence in my own ability is now questionable and I wonder that the hell I am supposed to be doing!
Oh well the fight is in my blood, I just need to pick a different battle.
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