Stop letting people hurt my feelings by doing bitchy things and remember that the people who do bitchy things to me give up their right to have an opinion about my life.
We give too much time to feelings. I love the line, “he/she hurt my feelings.”
Are you bleeding, where can I put the bandage? Exactly what feeling did he hurt? How does one actually “hurt” a feeling - literally?
Most times we believe YOU HURT MY FEELINGS- THEREFORE YOU SHOULD CHANGE.
I am telling you that they are not, will not, can not, and simply wont. Fact is, your are the only one that controls your feelings, therefore you are the only one that can change how you feel.
A simple way to do this is to internalize the fact that you have the power to “let go of your feelings, good and bad. The faster you learn to master this skill the easier your life will be. At Motivate 4 Success we teach individuals to use the Sedona method for letting go of feelings.
Such is the trap into which millions of us fall, blaming others for our hurt feelings and making demands upon them for change. This is very similar to the preceding "You make me unhappy" trap which only leads to giving away of personal power, a continued lack of self-esteem and more power in the hands of those who so "hurt your feelings". To choose not to make one's happiness dependent upon others leads to real empowerment. And it is possible!
But the possibility must first be recognized, secondly accepted as something desirable and thirdly actively pursued. The goal is to change from being hurt to being OK with whatever situation causes my hurts so that I am not hurt the next time that situation occurs. Do you want to be so empowered? Examination of similar childhood hurts will probably be the key to not being hurt next time.
In retrospect, you are the only one that can hurt your feelings, no one else.
Everything that you’ve stated is absolutely true---from a very rational/cognitive, mathematical stance. The wonderful factor about humans is that we are dynamic and interconnected. Humans and life (in general) don’t exist within vacuums. The more interconnected a person is to another human (i.e., love ones), the more apt are actions and words to effect that person. Feelings are very complex. Often, they cannot be understood through simple rational or cognitive explanations. Of course this doesn’t mean that we are in essence responsible for how people react—but I do believe that it is important to recognize that how I choose to behave and the words that I choose to use, do effect people. This recognition and awareness is simply another aspect of being connected with others.
ReplyDeleteInteresting, so how far or to what point to we account for the reaction of others? How far does the reach of responsibility coupled with un calculated response go? My other question would be that living otherwise seems to present a mode of someone reactions governing your approach to things.
ReplyDeleteOf course I am going to present an extreme but:
•I don’t want to tell him be he will hit me
•Every time I yell at Johnny he cry’s
•Etc…
Feelings are simply the threshold of what we personally think is acceptable and non-acceptable.
Your two questions aren’t clearly written--so I cannot answer. Your other "question" appears to be a statement (?). ("My" reactions as you state...interesting) Reactions are methods of learning and/or adaptation. Animals, to include nonhuman, have such learned or adaptive behaviors (depending on the animal). To date, the general consensus is that nonhuman mammals don't "feel"; however, they adapt and change their behaviors within the given environment. So with this thought, if a person perceives a failure, in general, the reaction is to avoid that failure in the future. A similar example to what you present above would be: if a person believes he/she has failed at being a successful business person or failed at achieving adult status, then that person takes action (or reacts) by changing that situation. This example, as well as your examples above, is behaviorally and/or cognitively based. Your statement seems to intertwine feelings and behavior and sensations and cognition--all being very different, but found within the same continuum. Is it possible that you're not very clear on what feelings actually are? Maybe this is a new area that you've become aware of and are cognitively exploring? Just a rhetorical questions...simply thoughts (Of course, all sincerely stated and asked). I do appreciate you sharing thoughts ;)
ReplyDeleteHmmm, well let me work on a more "clear" response on this one. I'll be back at you soon...
ReplyDeleteLMAO!!!! You're wonderful. I love it. Don't EVER change ;)
ReplyDeleteIsn't it easy for our ego to take offense when someone rubs us the wrong way? When we care, about ourselves and about others, egos tend to get bruised at some point and feelings, many times, take over. There is a tendency to want to lash out at those who caused the hurt, to get even, and to attempt change in the other. Doing so allows the individual power over us.
ReplyDeleteWhile I agree we should not allow others to control our thoughts and reactions, I don't agree that we should accept what others do to us by learning to be 'ok' with whatever situation caused the hurt. I realize I am taking your statement to the extreme, but there are those who will do just that, so let's play it out. Not always, but many times, those who have caused the hurt don't realize the impact had because we choose to hold our feelings inside, or in situations of abuse, because there is a feeling of deserving the hurt. Learning to remove the feelings attached to hurt, many times, leads to pent up anger and frustration, or numbness to the pain. The first leads to feelings played out in other ways that can be detrimental to ourselves and others; the latter leads to destruction of self esteem. I think, more critical, is learning to express feelings, and learning to change behaviors that lead to hurt. We agree on the point of change -- within us, but not by being ok with the situation.
Playing out the extreme of your proposed strategy, let's look at that couple involved in abuse -- verbal abuse that causes hurt. If the individual on the receiving side of the abuse continues to associate with the abuser who continues to hurt through words, the power they have over us is perpetuated, even if the victim learns to become ok with the words. We need to be strong enough to remove ourselves from that situation and disassociate with the individual. What we should not do is to manipulate our feelings to feel nothing yet remain in the situation.
We control ourselves and, yes, we can learn to react differently to situations as they arise. We can channel anger, articulate need, remove self from situations that repeatedly cause the hurt and learn that change must come within ourselves not willed / expected from others.
The power lies within us in how we choose to recognize, react, express feelings, and how we choose to move forward.