These past few months have been more trying than even my closest people know. So, today I came into work ready to take this new day head on. I am on a conference call sitting in my chair and posture to relieve some gas when boom - I realized I just sharted!! (fart but a little shit comes out). LMAO!! Though this is one of my very not sexy moments, it was a revelation of sorts.
For one, it puts things in perspective that being not to worry about things you cannot control. Secondly, no matter what you have planned, the universe has another and it pretty will always trump yours. Lastly, its clear that we as humans are "allowed" to control only put a few factors of our lives - the rest is well a shart!
PS --> Yes I did go home to "freshen up"...lol What a crappy day!!...lol I know, I know, I am full of shit...LMAO!!
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NiNZdTSH3-A&hl=en_US&fs=1&rel=0]
Showing posts with label HA-Larious. Show all posts
Showing posts with label HA-Larious. Show all posts
6.11.2010
5.13.2010
5.06.2010
4.24.2010
4.10.2010
4.07.2010
Ladies and Toilets - IMPORTANT!
Ladies, ladies, I wanted to write this post as a refreshing reminder that you are NOT exempt of vaginal hygiene and its environment!
Ladies, as you sit on the toilet seat and begin to urinate, the urine will stream either hit at the shallow part of the bowl or closer to the base of the bowl where the water is. This "direction" of stream is based on where your vagina is relative to your torso.
Your urethra sits just behind your clitoral hood (just in case you didn't know yet :) ). If you have a "long" vagina then your urethra will sit "back" closer to your anus and thus prompt a stream directed to the bowl base. If you have a "short" vagina your urethra will sit to the "front" closer to your belly button thus prompting a stream directed at the shallow part of the bowl. Oh and PLEASE don't think "long" or "short" means big or small - again its ONLY the position of your vagina in relationship to your torso. Thats why they make Small, Regular and Long panty liners and pads.
Nevertheless, all stream types will result in urine splatters on the underside of the toilet seat. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but a LOT of you forget to clean it! The view of it is just as dismal as a man that can't get his stream down the middle. I cannot tell you how many times I have raised a seat in a woman's facility and have witnessed coagulated urine on the underside of the seat - um NOT sexy!
To accommodate for your body type and stream direction, you may try siting back or forward on the toilet seat, and/or taking your index and middle finger and gently pushing down on your tummy (below your belly button) toward the floor or pull up on your tummy (below your belly button) toward the ceiling.
OH! and before I forget, this includes being on your period. Blood also will splash up under the seat and will need to be cleaned/wiped. After you're done, simply flush ALL remnants of your accouterments down the toilet. I advise doing this in 1-2 separate flushes to ensure the toilet doesn't clog. Though we all know it takes place, no man wants to see, or smell the things that go with a period - trust me!
Hey, you all KNOW I am that guy that will say what you only thought - some one has to say this! Having 3 sisters, my mother and damn near an all female regime, I had to make this point.
Get it cleaned up ladies and trust me, men DO notice these things!
Ladies, as you sit on the toilet seat and begin to urinate, the urine will stream either hit at the shallow part of the bowl or closer to the base of the bowl where the water is. This "direction" of stream is based on where your vagina is relative to your torso.
Your urethra sits just behind your clitoral hood (just in case you didn't know yet :) ). If you have a "long" vagina then your urethra will sit "back" closer to your anus and thus prompt a stream directed to the bowl base. If you have a "short" vagina your urethra will sit to the "front" closer to your belly button thus prompting a stream directed at the shallow part of the bowl. Oh and PLEASE don't think "long" or "short" means big or small - again its ONLY the position of your vagina in relationship to your torso. Thats why they make Small, Regular and Long panty liners and pads.
Nevertheless, all stream types will result in urine splatters on the underside of the toilet seat. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but a LOT of you forget to clean it! The view of it is just as dismal as a man that can't get his stream down the middle. I cannot tell you how many times I have raised a seat in a woman's facility and have witnessed coagulated urine on the underside of the seat - um NOT sexy!
To accommodate for your body type and stream direction, you may try siting back or forward on the toilet seat, and/or taking your index and middle finger and gently pushing down on your tummy (below your belly button) toward the floor or pull up on your tummy (below your belly button) toward the ceiling.
OH! and before I forget, this includes being on your period. Blood also will splash up under the seat and will need to be cleaned/wiped. After you're done, simply flush ALL remnants of your accouterments down the toilet. I advise doing this in 1-2 separate flushes to ensure the toilet doesn't clog. Though we all know it takes place, no man wants to see, or smell the things that go with a period - trust me!
Hey, you all KNOW I am that guy that will say what you only thought - some one has to say this! Having 3 sisters, my mother and damn near an all female regime, I had to make this point.
Get it cleaned up ladies and trust me, men DO notice these things!
3.09.2010
2.27.2010
2.26.2010
2.10.2010
2.04.2010
Water on the Ceiling...
For some reason, this just CRACKS me up!!
http://www.collegehumor.com/moogaloop/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=1928744&fullscreen=1
http://www.collegehumor.com/moogaloop/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=1928744&fullscreen=1
1.21.2010
Thread Count...
http://www.collegehumor.com/moogaloop/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=1928015&fullscreen=1
I had a hard lesson on thread count. I went to Kohls needing to get some chocolate sheets. Shopping by color only, I picked up some sheets that were Egyptian Cotton, 1200 thread count. So then I pick up 2 candles and head to the checkout. The slower than molasses, double scanning, bi-focal using sales clerk FINALLY got to total my order.
"Your total is $173.xx sir"
WTF?! Why did I spend $140 on SHEETS?! I could not believe and STILL cannot believe I spent over $40 for sheets...lol
I will admit though that these are THE softest sheets I have slept on! Now I am a thread count whore and will accept nothing less! :)
I had a hard lesson on thread count. I went to Kohls needing to get some chocolate sheets. Shopping by color only, I picked up some sheets that were Egyptian Cotton, 1200 thread count. So then I pick up 2 candles and head to the checkout. The slower than molasses, double scanning, bi-focal using sales clerk FINALLY got to total my order.
"Your total is $173.xx sir"
WTF?! Why did I spend $140 on SHEETS?! I could not believe and STILL cannot believe I spent over $40 for sheets...lol
I will admit though that these are THE softest sheets I have slept on! Now I am a thread count whore and will accept nothing less! :)
1.16.2010
Lets Laugh!
The venerable Mark Twain once said, "The human race has only one truly effective weapon, and that is laughter." For some time now, I have made it my daily motivation to make at least one person laugh before I called it quits. Laughter crosses cultural barriers, connecting absolute strangers together for even the most brief of instances. I will go so far as to purposefully let others laugh at my expense.
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9xH0xorgUoI&hl=en_US&fs=1&]
Laughter connects us with others. Also, laughter is contagious, so if you bring more laughter into your life, you can most likely help others around you to laugh more, and realize these benefits as well. By elevating the mood of those around you, you can reduce their stress levels, and perhaps improve the quality of social interaction you experience with them, reducing your stress level even more!
Instead of complaining about life's frustrations, try to laugh about them. If something is so frustrating or depressing it's ridiculous, realize that you could 'look back on it and laugh.' Think of how it will sound as a story you could tell to your friends, and then see if you can laugh about it now. With this attitude, you may also find yourself being more lighthearted and silly, giving yourself and those around you more to laugh about. Approach life in a more mirthful way and you'll find you're less stressed about negative events, and you'll achieve the health benefits of laughter
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9xH0xorgUoI&hl=en_US&fs=1&]
Laughter connects us with others. Also, laughter is contagious, so if you bring more laughter into your life, you can most likely help others around you to laugh more, and realize these benefits as well. By elevating the mood of those around you, you can reduce their stress levels, and perhaps improve the quality of social interaction you experience with them, reducing your stress level even more!
Instead of complaining about life's frustrations, try to laugh about them. If something is so frustrating or depressing it's ridiculous, realize that you could 'look back on it and laugh.' Think of how it will sound as a story you could tell to your friends, and then see if you can laugh about it now. With this attitude, you may also find yourself being more lighthearted and silly, giving yourself and those around you more to laugh about. Approach life in a more mirthful way and you'll find you're less stressed about negative events, and you'll achieve the health benefits of laughter
12.27.2009
The REAL Napoleon Dynamite...lol
http://www.collegehumor.com/moogaloop/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=1926737&fullscreen=1
The crazy thing is that I actually know what Poomse he is trying to do. This HORRIBLE Tae Kwon Do Poomse was supposed to be Taeguk Pal Jang (Earth). Whats more disturbing than his physical emulation of this form is that it is a black belt form - so WHAT Master promoted this physically challenged individual?! I would still love to whoop his ass though...lol. Here is the proper way to do this form:
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7OVy2qReaEc&hl=en_US&fs=1&rel=0]
The crazy thing is that I actually know what Poomse he is trying to do. This HORRIBLE Tae Kwon Do Poomse was supposed to be Taeguk Pal Jang (Earth). Whats more disturbing than his physical emulation of this form is that it is a black belt form - so WHAT Master promoted this physically challenged individual?! I would still love to whoop his ass though...lol. Here is the proper way to do this form:
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7OVy2qReaEc&hl=en_US&fs=1&rel=0]
12.24.2009
Unwritten laws
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you’ll have to pee
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)
Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy’s Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
Brown’s Law: If the shoe fits, it’s really ugly.
Oliver’s Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson’s Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Law of empty Restaurants: If you are the ONLY customer sitting in a empty restaurant when the next person comes in the hostess will seat him/her right next to you.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)
Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy’s Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
Brown’s Law: If the shoe fits, it’s really ugly.
Oliver’s Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson’s Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Law of empty Restaurants: If you are the ONLY customer sitting in a empty restaurant when the next person comes in the hostess will seat him/her right next to you.
12.16.2009
Mankini!
Yup, exactly what it sounds like...
The Mankini...The hairy one in the middle just does it for me. For all of you who are considering the eye bleach or looking at the sun... just be glad I didn't post the ones with the frontal view!!
The Mankini...The hairy one in the middle just does it for me. For all of you who are considering the eye bleach or looking at the sun... just be glad I didn't post the ones with the frontal view!!
12.13.2009
1000mg of...
I have an entire bottle of this in my medicine closet!
[caption id="attachment_1054" align="alignnone" width="373" caption="1000mg FukItAll by Duke"]
[/caption]
[caption id="attachment_1054" align="alignnone" width="373" caption="1000mg FukItAll by Duke"]
[/caption]
11.29.2009
Your Moms Education!
Wow - and she is SO serious!!!
http://www.collegehumor.com/moogaloop/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=1908900&fullscreen=1
http://www.collegehumor.com/moogaloop/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=1908900&fullscreen=1
11.18.2009
Word Play
Very creative video...
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZGWkdNWFZiI&hl=en_US&fs=1&color1=0x006699&color2=0x54abd6]
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZGWkdNWFZiI&hl=en_US&fs=1&color1=0x006699&color2=0x54abd6]
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